


All I Ever Do

by foggy_nelson



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Suicide mention, Unrequited Love, attempted suicide, au where connor doesn't die because I'm weak and I love him, it starts over the summer but it'll skip to the first day of school sorry lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-09-29 20:00:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10142843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggy_nelson/pseuds/foggy_nelson
Summary: When Connor Murphy survives an attempted suicide, a stolen letter he had on him leads his desperate parents to believe that maybe he actually had a friend- a boy named Evan Hansen, all anxiety and fidgeting, who never was able to even make any real friends of his own. From this, a proposition for a fake friendship emerges, but it may be what both of them had always asked for.





	1. One

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

The sun was bright, and the words were hard to write and even harder to read squinting. To make it worse, his handwriting was shit- it always had been, and he had no intent of making it better, especially not in letters for himself.

Evan reclined, the back of his head bumping lightly against the rough surface of the tree trunk. It hurt a little- something was poking into him- but he sat still, shivering as a breeze swept over the top of the tree. Tilting his head back, his eyes lulled shut, that small stabbing pressed deeper, a small heat that felt like that friction you’d get from rubbing your palms together quickly.

A gasping breath gripped Evan- not audible, but deep, and quick. He’d just forgotten about it again. He bent over, hands pinning the paper against the branch he was situated on, legs wrapped around it, and winding even tighter.

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today wasn’t so good after all, but it never does turn out to be good, does it?_

 

Somewhere in the tree behind him, a bird fluttered away, probably spooked from Evan’s presence. He sympathized.

It’d been a long day for Evan. Most days were, now- usually the hours went by slow, and he found little to occupy them. That’s why he’d started coming out to the forest- if there was anything he still liked without a doubt, it was nature, especially the trees. He knew their names, knew their leaves and could accurately guess how old they were. But, trees don’t talk back, so they don’t make very good friends. They were lonely hours, shared between just him and the trees.

 

_Mom wasn’t home when I got there, but she wasn’t there when I woke up, or went to bed last night, either. She’s working way too hard for you. Way too hard, and you kind of don’t deserve it._

 

He squinted for a moment before crossing out _kind of_ with thick, dark lines.

The motions of his hand was shaky, not aided by the roughness of the tree bark. Evan paused, tracing the line of treetops on the horizon with his eyes, wondering how something could ever be so good, so useful, so _big_ \- and then there was just him. Just him, something broken that couldn’t ever be fixed. That was another great thing about trees- it took a lot to bring them down. Even then, they still served some beneficial purpose. That made Evan laugh- he hated it. To get to the point of comparing yourself to a tree- it was like apples and oranges, sure, that was a given. But the fact that the trees were all pros and Evan was all cons was- well, laughable. He wondered if his dad liked trees. The answer was probably not, but he wondered if he still would have left if maybe Evan had known a little bit more about trees, a little bit more about anything other than fidgeting and overreacting and crying- would his dad still have left then?

 

_Jared still hasn’t said anything to me, either, but it’s starting to look like no one ever will. It’s not like they can’t, they don’t want to. Because of me. Because of you._

_It’s because of you, Evan Hansen._

 

Evan sniffed lightly as he wrote, not really thinking before he wrote. If he was really going to have to bring letters into his therapist appointments, he was going to have to try a lot harder to write better letters, because there was no way in hell he’d be bringing this to show them. “It’s a way of measuring your progress, a way to show yourself it can really get better and become more confident and self-loving!” Yeah, right- Evan knew that that was bullshit. He was utterly unfixable, and there was no way that a letter could help him with anxiety. All the things that ever did help were gone now, and every single one was lost at his own expense.

Jared Kleinman? Maybe if he’d been able to communicate without letting his words become jumbled messes, maybe if he’d actually been capable of thinking about things and not letting himself say or do incredibly stupid things.

His mom? Now she was slaving away, just for Evan, just to have enough money for the two of them- but, maybe if he wasn’t so fucked up in the first place, his dad wouldn’t have ever left. Then, who’s to say how much better everything would have been?

 

_It’s because of you, Evan Hansen._

 

The early summer air was warm and muggy, but prone to cool breezes, and they lulled Evan into a comforting numbness as his hand fumbled, failing to produce any more words. He felt drained, he was so _tired_ \- he rubbed his eyes, pressing a little too hard, weird colors and tiny shapes messing with his vision. A sigh escaped Evan as his fingers messed up a bit too much and he dropped his pen. He watched it fall, not bothering to try to save it as it plunged towards the ground. He folded the letter up, pressing it between his hands to flatten it before tucking it into his pocket. His head upwards, he squinted at the sun. It was still fairly high in the sky, and he wondered what time it was. He didn’t want to go to the therapy session.

Not today, not ever.

His breathing staggered again.

  
_It’s because of you, Evan Hansen._

* * * * *

When he woke up, he’d almost forgotten where he was. His ears were ringing, his entire body ached, and all he could smell was dirt. It almost hurt too much to try to open his eyes, and he furrowed his brow and flexed his fingers instead.

Except that, when he did, a searing pain spread throughout his left forearm, a whimper pushing passed his lips. Evan rolled onto his side, shaking as he slowly brought his hurt arm to his chest. It was numb- he couldn’t feel it at all, that is, unless he was trying to move it. Gingerly supporting his wrist with his good arm, he coaxed himself into a sitting position, dazed and hurting. It hadn’t worked.

To think about it- that it hadn’t…  _ worked _ \- was frustrating. Why? Evan choked on something, hunching over as he coughed, before deciding to struggle to his feet. Looking around, he spotted the pen he’d dropped. Stooping to pick it up, he let his arm drop. Bad decision- it made it worse. Evan let out a cry that only he’d hear and snatched the pen up with his fingertips, clutching his arm to his chest again. His head throbbed, and he felt tired. 

After the wave of pain subdued, Evan began to walk back the way he’d come, searching each pocket for his phone- his old, crappy, rarely-connected-to-service phone- before finally finding it. The tiny outside screen that displayed the date and time was cracked, and the colors weren’t completely right. He flipped it open, only to curse a blank white screen that wouldn’t disappear, no matter what combinations of buttons he pressed or how long he held the end button to try powering it off. He swallowed hard, slipping the device back into his pocket, drawing his fingers away quickly upon feeling the crumpled letter that he’d written earlier.

Eventually, he found himself back at his car- tiny and old, barely keeping itself together, the car was about the same condition that his phone was in. But, it was the cheapest thing he and his mom could find. Stupid Evan, who couldn’t get a job, taking too much of his mom’s money once again. He wondered if he would manage driving, but as he climbed into the driver’s seat, he figured there really wasn’t any other choice.

He’d never forget the way his mom looked when he got home. He didn’t know what time it was, but he was definitely late-  _ very  _ late. He’d definitely missed his appointment. Evan had wanted to make it to his room before his mother saw him- to assess the damage himself first- but he should have known that she’d be waiting for him.

And she was- Heidi Hansen, pale and tired and emotionally exhausted, who always tried to stay strong, to be strong for herself, for Evan- she was standing in the middle of the living room, cheeks shining from the stains of tears and eyes red and puffy. “Oh, Evan-” she’d managed to say before she started crying, immediately clinging to Evan, almost like  _ she  _ was the distressed child, not him.

He wound his good arm around her, visibly numb- all color gone from his face, eyes wide and blank. He didn’t know what to do. He’d let out a squeak when she’d brushed his arm the wrong way, and she quickly drew herself away, shaking, as she gingerly looked at his arm. “We’re going to the hospital, Evan, now.” It was odd how Heidi could be so scared, so obviously shaken, but talk so calmly and warm. “How did this even happen?” She looked at Evan, all full of maternal concern, examining a cut that trailed across his jaw and down his neck that he got.

Evan held his breath, almost recoiling from the question. He should have seen that coming- that he’d need an excuse. “I- I was in a tree- and, and then I wasn’t,” he lamely replied. “I fell out of it.”

Heidi breathed deeply through her nose, fiddling with the collar of Evan’s shirt, and nodded her head in quick, little movements. “Let’s get going,” she said, accepting Evan’s lie.

“But- mom-” Evan whined. He hated himself- look at him, such an inconvenience, even to his own mother. “What about- what about-” The appointment? The money? How he even had this happen in the first place? “What about your class?” Evan finished weakly. Heidi had been attending night class at the local college- another reason why she was so tired, why she was always gone and always working. She should be getting ready to leave by now.

“Evan,” Heidi hushed her son and she gripped his good hand and ushered him back towards the door. “This is more important. I have three absences I can use from class, anyway.” She kept a watchful eye as Evan clumsily climbed into the passenger’s seat of her car before getting in herself. “This is more important,” Heidi repeated. “You’re so much more important. I love you so much.”

He didn’t say anything back the entire car ride to the emergency room. He didn’t feel like crying in front of her right now.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, if you're reading this at the time I posted it, I originally was going to have two prologue-esque chapters, but I ended up going back and added the second half into the first chapter (There's a word break via asterisks after what was already posted) so sorry about that! Also, this chapter doesn't line up exactly with the musical (and at the end diverges with what happens and is where things really start to get different), partly because I haven't seen the musical live (but am this July :D) and partly because I didn't want to copy the lines of the musical verbatum? (I've seen some fanfics copy the dialogue, which is fine, just not what I wanted to do) Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter!

_ First Day of Senior Year _

 

Evan had been dreading this day for the past week- well, really, the entire summer, since last semester ended. Senior year- now, not only was he going to be lonely, but he was going to be lonely while being reminded of just how lonely he was, surrounded by people who had dozens and dozens of friends. People who could actually make friends.

His mom wasn’t awake when he woke up, but that was fine- he knew she deserved the rest. Groggy and unexcited, Evan sat up, propping himself up on his right arm, and looked down at his other. Encased in a cast and wrapped with gauze, he cursed it all, knowing he’d just be seen as more of a loser because of it.

Khaki jeans, a blue and white striped polo- the clothes he usually wore. He felt comforted by the familiar fabric as he pulled the shirt on awkwardly, accommodating his arm. Holding his broken arm against him, he pinched the fabric in his fingers, rubbing it gently.

Padding down the hallway, the cool hardwood floors calmed Evan slightly. Certain things wouldn’t ever change- the fading flooring, the spots where the wallpaper was wearing thin, the photograph of a freshman Evan with Heidi fixed on the wall. Evan focused on them, and it comforted him a little.

He opened the fridge- not because he was really hungry, because if he ate, he’d probably just throw up. He picked up the quarter-filled carton of eggs, though, thinking to make something for his mom. He was going to just drink a glass of milk, but opted for water when he realized they didn’t have any. 

Evan had just put a paper towel over the cooked eggs to keep them warm when Heidi was walking into the room, leaning on the doorway and yawning. “Good morning, honey.”

“Oh,” Evan looked at his mother and then at the eggs before uncovering them. “Morning, mom,” he responded in a quiet tone. “I made you some eggs.”

Heidi smiled, walking over to sit at the table with him. “Thanks. So, it’s a big day, huh?” Evan shrugged his shoulders, not really wanting to think about school at all. “Aw, c’mon Evan, it’s the first day of your senior year!”

“I know,” Evan said back, blunt, rubbing his palm on his pants. 

“Evan, come on,” Heidi tried again, “It’ll be great. You’ll be fine. You’ll do great in your classes, and you can break the ice with people by asking them to sign your cast. The senior year is always the best one.”

Senior year is always the best one? Yeah right, Evan thought. As far as he knew, everything just kept getting worse and worse.

“You’ll at least try, right?”

Evan raised an eyebrow, lost in his thoughts and not having heard his mother. “What?”

Heidi sighed, stabbing her fork into a piece of the eggs. Evan watched her. He only ever knew how to make them scrambled, and he hoped that it was enough. “Having the other kids sign your cast.”

“Oh. Sure,” Evan nodded lightly, looking down at the same as he silently drummed his fingers against it.

Heidi smiled weakly, setting her fork down and reaching across the table to lay her hand on Evan’s. “Really, it’ll be okay, I promise.” Evan took a deep breath and nodded, still staring downwards. “Have you written a letter for your appointment yet?” She tried to beam at him. “Dear Evan Hansen,” she mused, “Today’s going to be a good day, and this is why…” her voice trailed as she tried not to falter in her expression.

Evan swallowed and nodded again. “Yeah, I, uh- I started one.”

“That’s great!” she praised him, hoping to cheer his mood, but he just kept his head tilted downward. 

Finally, Evan started to stand, walking towards to door, stopping only to bow slightly to wrap an arm around his mom’s shoulder. “I should be get going. Love you.”

“Love you too, honey,” Heidi responded, sinking in her chair after he left the room.

 

* * * * *

 

As Evan entered the computer lab, he sighed, not even bothering to flick on the lights. It was cool, and felt good on his skin. Internally, he felt overheated, sick, his head throbbing from being anxious all day. He sat at the computer farthest from the door, booting it up, and absentmindedly rubbed the fabric of his cast. It was blank, just faded white, sitting there, on his skin. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried- he’d asked Alana; the go-getter girl of their grade, always doing everything and anything she could to make herself more impressive, especially for colleges she wanted to apply to. Apparently though, ‘everything’ didn’t include signing Evan’s cast. When Evan had asked Jared, he didn’t, either- Evan could admit that Jared was a bit of an asshole, always joking about how he was forced to be friends with Evan, but it kind of hurt Evan either way. He’d just tried to shrug it off- after all, wasn’t it sort of expected? And Zoe, Evan remembered, searching for the document in his Google Drive as he mentally berated himself over how  _ stupid _ he could actually be.

The only reason he even got to talk to Zoe was because of what happened that morning. Initially, he thought that he would be able to get through the day without drawing any unneeded attention to himself. But there’d been a- a misunderstanding. Her brother, Connor- people were being really awful to him, and Evan hadn’t really been sure what was going on, but some kid elbowed him and laughed, and Evan didn’t know what to do so he nervously chuckled back, and- and Connor had heard him. He came over and he was upset, and he shoved Evan. He kind of understood, though- if he were Connor, and he thought that someone as lame as Evan was making fun of him, he’d probably get upset, too.

But, because of that, Zoe had actually talked to him. Pretty, kind,  _ amazing Zoe Murphy _ \- he didn’t know how long he’d had a crush on Zoe, but he knew that it’d been a long time, and that it was a big one. But, of course- Evan messed it up, because he always messed things up, always, always, always-

“I’m, uh, I just wanted to say I was sorry.”

A voice brought Evan from staring at the screen, his fingernails digging into his cast. He snapped his gaze upwards, meeting eyes with-  _ go figure _ \- Connor Murphy. Evan’s first instinct, other than flinching in his chair, was to immediately leave. But Connor wore an earnest expression, eyes softer than normal. Usually, Connor just looked… angry. But not now. Now was different. That relaxed Evan a little, his insides still turning as he thought about all the possible outcomes of the situation. He wanted to say something back, but it was like his vocal chords suddenly got ripped out of him. He could barely even open his mouth.

Connor pressed his lips together and cracked his knuckles. “You know- for pushing you earlier. That wasn’t your fault, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” He wandered the aisle, stopping at the end of the row Evan sat in. It put him on edge, but he forced himself to say  _ something _ .

“It’s- it’s alright.” Evan grimaced, wishing he knew what to say. He bit the inside of his cheek and hit print, the huge printer that stood near the door letting out a whirring noise as he closed the browser and logged out of the computer.

Connor let out a small laugh, glancing down at the ground. Evan studied him for a moment as he stood, carefully putting on his bookbag. He’d always known who Connor was, sure- but that was from what people said: how much of a jerk he was, that he was an addict, that he was going to shoot up the school.. A lot of things. But for someone who had a lot of time to watch, he’d never really gotten to look at Connor at all. And, in this moment, he seemed like someone who cared, but didn’t know how to show it. Evan swallowed, thinking about how applicable that was to himself, too.

“How’d you hurt your arm?” Connor asked, a little slowly, like he was making small talk. 

“Um,” Evan glanced at him before averting his gaze downwards. Connor made him nervous- no one ever wanted to talk to Evan more than they had to, and here this kid was, asking away questions. “I, um, I fell out of a- a tree.”

“A tree?” Connor let out a small scoff. “Isn’t that the saddest fucking thing.” Evan opened his mouth, about to say something, when Connor shook his head, his long hair shaking slightly. “I’m sorry, that sounded condescending, didn’t it? Can I sign your cast?” Evan’s heart thudded, his chest getting a little tight, his mouth dry. He couldn’t talk, so he just gave a tiny nod and held out his arm. “Sweet,” Connor tacked on, his lips spreading into a grin as he reached to his messenger bag, drawing out a black sharpie. And, a few seconds later, there was Connor’s name, tattooed on his cast in big block letters, taking up half the space. Connor hummed and exhaled as he capped the pen. “Now we can pretend we both have a friend.” He looked Evan in the eye, his face a neutral expression, but there was something in his eyes- it almost seemed…  _ sad _ .

Connor drew in a breath and turned on his heels, Evan walking behind him, eyes fixed on Connor’s back. “Oh, don’t forget your paper,” Connor added as they neared the door, plucking it out of the printer and turning towards Evan. Evan, to be honest, knew he probably would have forgotten it if Connor didn’t say anything, but he desperately willed Connor to just give it to him as Connor’s eyes flicked over the letter. He stopped, furrowing his brows as he noticed that his sister’s name was in the paper. “What is this?”

Evan’s heartbeat started to quicken again, and his palms started to sweat. He raised his hand to try to grab it, but Connor moved slightly, showing no intent of giving it back. “It’s- it’s a let-”

“Did you write this to make fun of me?” Connor asked in disbelief, his tone lower than before, as he looked back towards Evan, searching his eyes. Evan couldn’t take it. He looked away.

“You did, didn’t you?” Connor laughed. “You think I’m crazy, that I’m insane, just like everybody else?”

“I-”

“And you wrote this, you wrote this to try to pin this on me and make me seem weird- make me seem worse than everybody thinks of me?” 

“That’s not-” Evan tried weakly, closing his eyes as Connor interrupted him again.

“Fuck you,” Connor spat out, the words hot and full of angry. He turned to leave, his head bowed downwards.

“Y-You’re not listening to me!”


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he lived

“You- You’re not listening to me!” Evan managed, a sort of squeaking in his voice. Conor turned, and Evan immediately cowered, bracing for whatever he’d do, but it never came. He blinked, looking up at the other boy, who’d crossed his arms and was wearing a tired expression. 

“I’m waiting,” Connor told him, almost sarcastically, like a predator playing with its would-be meal.

Evan bit his lip, looking back down at the ground before up at him again. “I-it’s not some, some letter for me to try to do that to you.”

Connor cocked his head slightly, eyeing him. “Okay. Then what is it, Evan?”

Evan shivered, Connor’s obvious irritation with him making his skin crawl. “It’s a letter… to myself…” He averted his gaze. “My, um… I have to do it… my psychologist says so…”

Connor’s demeanor softened suddenly, and he raised a brow. “I-”

Evan kept his head low and pushed passed him. “I have to go.”

“Evan- Evan, wait-” Connor’s voice called as Evan took off down the hallway.

* * * * *

The first week of school was only a half one, so it went by a little quicker than a normal one- though, to Evan, it still went on painfully slow, an invention of torture for someone who was lonely. He’d been lucky enough that in the classes he really didn’t like- pre-calculus, chemistry, and economics- he was put nearby the windows. The teachers never really paid attention to him, so he never got caught staring out of them, watching the outside world, or when he scribbled drawings in the margins of his papers, or just completely dazed away.

He expected that he wouldn’t be doing anything that weekend, because that’s what he learned to come to expect. But, he also didn’t expect for Jared to be talking to him after school on Friday. He’d been going off about something that happened in Jared’s history class, something that’d been on the syllabus that pissed Jared off, when he just sighed before saying, “So, do you want to hang out this weekend?”

Evan scoffed, taking it as a joke, before looking to Jared to see that he actually meant it. “Wait- what?”

“Yeah, like, do you wanna come over? It’s been-” Jared paused a moment to think, adjusting his glasses. “Well, it’s been a long fucking time, hasn’t it?”

Evan made a face, gripping the straps of his bookbags as they walked towards the exit closest to the parking lot. “I thought that you, like, didn’t even… didn’t  _ like _ hanging out with me.”

Jared returned the glance, which could be read as a very harsh  _ are you kidding me _ , and held up a hand. “I- what?”

Evan stared ahead of them, swallowing because his mouth was dry again. Maybe that was a side effect of his anxiety medication; it seemed to be happening a lot. “I only hang out with you because if I do I don’t have to pay my car insurance,” Evan shot back in a sarcastic, albeit monotonous, tone.

“Evan,” Jared groaned. “C’mon dude- you know that was a joke. Right?” Evan didn’t respond. “Evan!”

“Yeah okay well m-maybe I don’t get the jokes because I’m stupid, I’m sorry,” Evan rushed, getting a little pissed off. He fidgeted with a loose spot of gauze on the cast, scratching and trying to push his finger under it.

They pushed passed the doors and Jared stopped in front of Evan, turning to face him. He was shorter than Evan, probably by about four inches or so, but that didn’t make Evan any less intimidated by him. He glanced away as other kids walked passed the two, catching eye contact with-  _ you guessed it _ \- Zoe Murphy. Surrounded by other girls, she stared at Evan for a moment- something that made Evan’s breath hitch and nearly stop- but the expression on her face wasn’t quite recognizable by Evan. It almost seemed like she was trying to read him or something. Jared’s hand darted in front of Evan’s face, snapping to get his attention. He looked back at Jared, barely having made that much eye contact with her the last (and only) time he’d talked to her, when he probably spit all over her from his nervous speech pattern.

“Yo, Earth to Evan,” Jared barked. “What, you need lessons in breathing or something?”

“I’m breathing fine,” grumbled Evan, strained. Jared cracked a smile.

“It really isn’t hard- just a matter of breathing iiin, and oout,” Jared teased, inhaling and exhaling deeply as he spoke.

“Stop it, I’m fine, I’m fine,” Evan matched Jared’s almost-endearing gaze with a glare.

“Do you want to come over, or not?”

Evan exhaled, bit on his lower lip and nodded. “Y-yeah, I’ll come, I’ll just have to tell my mom that that’s where I’m gonna be.” 

“Sweet,” Jared gave a cheeky grin as he started to back away, leaving Evan for his car. “Like, noon tomorrow work?”

“Yeah, sure,” Evan responded, not missing a beat as he began to walk towards his own car.

* * * * *

“If you aren’t going to even try to beat me, what’s the point of playing this game?” An exasperated Jared threw down the video game controller he held, propping his chin up on his hand as he looked at Evan, eyebrows raised, frowning.

“Okay, um, first of all,” Evan started, mumbling as he set the controller on the couch beside him. “I’m wearing a cast, so I don’t know why you’d think I could even beat you, and I-I am trying.” His face felt warm. He blinked, wondering how long it’d even been since he’d gotten to Jared’s house. “Second, all we ever do when we do hang out is play video games or watch movies or whatever…” his voice trailed off for a moment before Evan coughed lightly. “Can’t we, um, go outside and do something, or-” Evan pressed his palm to the side of his face, almost squirming under Jared’s prolonged gaze. “Or whatever,” he finished under his breath, barely audible.

“Noo,” Jared groaned, sprawling on his side of the couch. “That’s so boring.” He was on the edge of the couch, leaning back, arms resting on either side of him. Despite him being short, he did take up a lot of room, Evan thought as he scooted over slightly. “Why do you like it outside so much, anyways? Like, what’s the big thing?”

Evan sniffed, looking towards Jared’s blind-covered window. “It’s just nicer, I guess,” he eventually concluded in a soft voice.

“That’s gay,” Jared snorted, pushing his glasses up. “Also, what the fuck?” He pointed at Evan’s cast- well, really, he was pointing out the fact that it said Connor’s name in huge, bold letters.

Evan put a hand over his cast, fingers outstretched over the name. “What?”

“Connor, as in…?” Jared tipped his head down, looking at Evan over his glasses.

“Connor as in… C-Connor Murphy,” Evan confirmed for him.

Jared almost looked like he was about to go into a fit of laughter, hands posed over his stomach, but then he sat up straight and turned to him. “Why? I mean, I’ve seen you staring at his sister.” He rolled his eyes. “Which, I don’t really get why you would chose to be so in love with-”

“I’m- I’m not in love with her!”

Jared raised his eyebrows, pressing his lips together. “...why you would chose to be so in love with…. _ her _ .” He’d placed a strange emphasis on the last word. “So, I would have expected you to hunt her down to get a little autograph- not her weird older brother. So why?”

“Um,” Evan glanced back downwards. “Did I not tell you about that?” Jared gave him an empty gaze. “It wasn’t a big deal, um, Connor apologized to me about something and then he signed my cast, but he hasn’t even been in the past few days, anyways, so I haven’t seen him at all, and it, um, wasn’t a big deal…”

Jared shook his head lightly. “Alright…”

“It’s not like anyone else would sign it,” Evan mumbled, picking at a loose string on his shirt.

“Huh?” Jared asked as he got up to retrieve his controller.

“Nothing,” Evan shrugged and smiled as he reached for his.

“Okay, well, here-” Jared excited the game on his console and launched the Youtube app he had, sitting down next to Evan. “I’ll show you the trailer for this new movie I’ve been dying to see.”

* * * * *

Monday came quick, Evan noticed, if you didn’t spend the entire weekend by yourself. The unexpected day at Jared’s did use up a lot of time, and even if it didn’t do much to Evan’s morale, it did to Heidi’s, who excitedly asked him how it went the next day when she’d seen him. But, it made his mom happy when he went to Jared’s, so that was enough for him. And it wasn’t like he didn’t even like Jared, it was just that Jared usually didn’t seem to like him.

First period- his pre-calc class- seemed to crawl by with the speed of a maimed animal on its last leg. He hated pre-calc. He was never super good at math- usually he just got B’s- so he didn’t know why the counselors thought it was necessary to place him into a more advanced class. Probably because they “knew he had potential”, but Evan couldn’t agree with that. He had no idea what his future would be like- he didn’t even expect to have made it this far.

It was near the end of the period, about fifteen minutes until bell, that the principal’s voice came over the staticky speakers. It jarred Evan from his window-gazing, as everyone in the class perked up to look at the speaker, almost as if the principal himself would come through the grating of the speaker to talk to them.

“Evan Hansen, please report to the main office.” A beat. “Evan Hansen, please report to the main office.”

Evan felt like he couldn’t breathe as all eyes in the classroom suddenly slid to him. His face flushed and his palms itched as he stood, pushing his chair back from his desk. It was physically painful for him to walk in front of the class, and every second that their stares were fixed on him was like another stab in the gut. Finally, he’d made the trek across the classroom, and as he shut the door carefully behind him, he could hear the class collectively break out into hushed chatter before the teacher cleared her throat and continued with the lesson. He felt clammy and cold all over.

Why was he getting called to the office? He had no reason to be; he never did anything, literally. All he did was come to school, do his work, get average grades- rinse, repeat. Evan felt as though his legs were going to give out, or he’d pass out, or vomit- one or the other, or all three. He hated himself, and whatever it was that he’d gotten himself into. 

The main office wasn’t very inviting. Grey tiled floors, beige walls, water stains on the ceiling. None of the secretaries looked very pleasant to talk to, either- all old, white ladies with resting bitch face. When he walked in, their attention snapped up and their glares seemed to be even worse, almost like they could actually shoot laser beams and disintegrate him.

“Who  _ are _ you?” One crooned, reaching up to adjust her readers. Oh, how comforting it was to know that not even the administration staff knew who Evan was.

“I’m, um,” Evan started, swallowing the best he could with a dry throat. “Evan Hansen?” He sounded like he was asking a question, like he didn’t even know who he was himself.

The secretary made a face, jabbing the air with a left-pointing motion. “They’re waiting for you in there.”

_ They’re _ ? “U-um, thanks,” Evan mumbled quietly in response, walking over to the door she’d pointed at. An old-looking metal plate let him know it was the principal’s office. He knocked.

“Come in,” a tired-sounding voice responded, muffled through the door. Evan recognized it to be the principal’s, but wondered who else could have been in the room. He turned the knob, cold in his hand, and opened the door, stepping through. The principal sat at his desk, with a woman and man sitting on the left side of the desk. Across from them was an empty seat. The principal gestured to it. “Sit, Evan,” he said, not even bothering to smile as he stood. Silently, Evan did as he was told. “I’ll leave you three, then,” he finished as he started to leave and Evan sat.  _ No, don’t leave me,  _ Evan voicelessly pleaded as he sat with the strangers. They looked exhausted, but nice enough as they warily smiled at Evan. He cautiously studied the two of them.

“I’m sorry, but, um, I-I’m not really sure why I-I’m here,” Evan stuttered, not able to get his words out efficiently at all.

The two looked at each other and sighed, only slightly out of sync. The man reached up and rubbed his neck, seeming to collect his thoughts. “Do you know Connor Murphy?”

“Um,” Evan immediately looked downwards to his cast, Connor’s name spelled in big letters across his cast. Maybe he didn’t  _ know _ Connor, but he knew  _ of _ him. But what would Evan have to do with anything Connor was a part of? “He’s… not been in school, if that means anything to you?” Evan’s voice tilted upwards at the end of his statement.

The woman bit her lip before painfully smiling at Evan, giving him a look of pity- one that spelled out his naivety in the situation. “Evan, honey,” she said softly. She paused, eyes looking at something behind Evan. He could tell she didn’t know what to say. None of them, and a few moments passed before anyone continued. “Something’s… happened.” Her words were meticulous and hollow, airy and unsure.

Evan blinked, scratching at his cast nervously. “I’m… I’m not sure I understand.”

The man was the one to speak this time, putting his hands on his knees and leaning forward, his head bowed slightly. “Evan,” his voice was strained, but steady at the same time. “Connor tried to take his life a few days ago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for reading, leaving kudos and commenting. It seriously brightens up my day when I see comments in my inbox, and it's all super appreciated! Much love <33  
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know the beginning was a little slow but it should pick up a bit from here.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan talks to Connor.

“Evan,” his voice was strained, but steady at the same time. “Connor tried to take his life a few days ago.”

Evan drew in a deep breath, eyebrows raised. His head spun, and he blinked a few times before reaching up and pressing into one of his temples. “H-he…” Evan couldn’t manage to say anything. He hadn’t even been friends with Connor, their only interactions consisting of mostly hostile confrontations, so the guilty, sorry feeling in him felt a little borrowed, and ungenuine. But he’d only  _ tried _ , so that meant he was okay?

The woman nodded, a tiny bobbing motion of the head. “You’re probably confused. We’re his parents. We’ve never met you.” She gave a quiet, breathy laugh- incredibly fake, Evan noticed. “We didn’t know Connor had any friends at all, to be honest.” She gave an expression that seemed like she regretted those words, as if she realized how close she was to having lost her son. She grinned, thin lips stretched into a smile.

Connor’s dad gestured at Evan’s arm, and he tilted the cast to look at it, only highlighting that it had Connor’s name on it. “Well,” he shrugged. “Connor’s handwriting. That’s him.” The tone in his voice was tired- not the sleepy kind of tired, but maybe the defeated, or I’ve-given-up, kind of tired. Evan ran a hand over the writing.

“I-is Connor going to be, is he going to be okay?” Evan asked, treading lightly. He could hear his pulse in his head, and desperately wished he could be anywhere but in that room in that moment.

Connor’s dad sighed. “He’s… recovering.” He picked at the word, as if he’d associated some weird connotation with it.

“He’ll probably be back in school soon. Not this week,” Connor’s mom chimed in, “But the next, probably. That’s what the doctors say, anyway. It depends on Connor, and I guess you would know how he can be…” Evan blinked. He didn’t know how Connor could be, but he could guess. “We had to come in today to explain to administration this whole, this whole-” she waved her hand, “ _ situation _ , and we thought that we might call you in. You see,” she reached downwards toward her purse and fumbled for a moment before producing a piece of paper. It had been folded nicely, but showed evidence of being crumpled up at some point. “This letter was in Connor’s pocket when, uh…” she cleared her throat. “It was in his pocket. It’s addressed to you.” She smiled carefully and handed it to him.

Even without opening it, Evan’s breathing quickened and knots grew in his stomach- he knew that it was his letter he’d printed that Connor had taken- he forgot that he didn’t actually try to take it back after the whole lab incident. Evan’s palms started to sweat as he pretended to read the paper. What was he supposed to say, what was he supposed to do? He didn’t know Connor at all, it wasn’t like the letter was to him, from Connor. Evan sharply inhaled as the thought that maybe, the letter was part of why Connor tried to kill himself bore into his skull. “I-I-” Evan’s eyes scanned the paper as he desperately tried to think of something to say.

“That would have been for you, right? If it isn’t...” Connor’s dad sat back in his seat, seeming fed up more than anything. Connor’s mom raised an eyebrow and looked at him, about to speak. 

“N-n-no!” Evan shakily held the letter on his lap. “I-I mean, like, yes, y-yeah it is for me, I mean, me and Connor were a-actually-” he blinked, looking down, and corrected himself. “- _ are _ actually, we, um, we do know each other. And obviously it’s for me, because it does have my name on it and everything.” 

“So you understand what it all means?” Connor’s mom lifted her chin, a hopeful glimmer in her eyes. 

“I…” Evan shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “Yeah, yeah, I know what it means.”

Connor’s mom bit her lip and the two parents looked at each other. “Evan,” Connor’s mom smiled kindly. “Would it be okay if, when Connor gets out of the hospital-” She paused. “We wanted to invite you over for dinner. We thought maybe it might help Connor if someone he cared about was at home when he came back.” Evan held his breath, all he was able to do was nod. “And, you don’t have to, because I imagine it might be hard for you, but we can let you know where he is in case you want to visit him. He woke up yesterday, so…” her voice tailed off.

Evan tapped his foot. What was he supposed to say?  _ No thanks, I don’t want to go visit my good friend who just tried to off himself _ . “Y-yeah, of course.”

“We’ll send it to school with our daughter tomorrow, then.” Evan cringed at the mention of Zoe, not wanting to have to embarrass himself in front of his crush again. Connor’s dad shifted in his seat, making a clear intention of wanting to leave. Evan glanced at him, maybe for a moment too long as they made eye contact, before flicking his eyes back downwards.  _ Idiot, you’re such an idiot. They can probably tell you’re lying through your teeth right now. _

Connor’s mom sighed, noticing her husband’s body language, and stood. “It was very nice to meet you, Evan,” she brushed his shoulder as she passed by, followed silently by Connor’s dad. Evan tilted his head back and closed his eyes, swallowing hard.  _ What am I supposed to do? _

* * * * *

Evan was breathless as he finally found Jared after school, walking to his car. He’d gone to Jared’s last class, but he’d already left, and by the time he’d gotten to Jared’s locker, he wasn’t there either. “W-wait, I have something important to tell you, Jared.”

Jared looked up, pausing from unlocking his driver’s side door. “Hey there, Hansen.”

“Okay, so you know how-”

Jared cleared his throat, pushing up his glasses. “I said, hey, Hansen.”

Evan sighed as Jared gave him a cheeky grin. “Hi, Jared.”

“If you don’t greet someone, how’re they gonna know you’re talking to them?” Jared pursed his lips and spoke in a joking manner.

“Who else… Who else would I be talking to?” Evan rubbed his neck, exasperated. “Who else do I ever talk to?”

Jared gave Evan a look up and down. “Fair enough, I guess.” He looked around the now fairly-empty parking. “Did you drive today?”

Evan shook his head, his breathing finally returned to normal. “I don’t have a ton of gas left, and no money for gas. So I walked.”

Jared hummed, opening his door. “If you want, I can just give you a ride and you can tell me on the way.” Evan raised an eyebrow. “Yes, really, I will. Just hurry up. I can’t be this charitable for this long.”

Evan rolled his eyes, going to the passenger’s side and climbing in. “Thanks,” he breathed as he situated himself, balancing his bag on his knee and being careful with the buckle around his cast.

“Yeah, no problem. I mean, great people are supposed to help the less fortunate, right?” he quipped as he pulled out of the parking space. 

Heat seared Evan’s insides. He knew Jared didn’t mean it like that, he meant it just because he would’ve had to walk home- but it still bothered him. “Um, so you do want to hear the story?” Jared nodded. “Well, I got called down to the office today. Which almost gave me a heart attack, because I thought I had done nothing wrong, and that they were going to expel me or something, and the whole way down-” Evan stopped abruptly, clearing his throat. “I, uh, got to the principal’s office, and there was this lady and guy in there, that I’d never met. And the principal got up and left, so that freaked me out- I had no clue who they were, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jared chuckled. “I also know that you’re rambling, Hansen.”

“Oh.” Evan looked down and bit his cheek. “R-right. Sorry. Anyways,” He sighed, trying to sort his thoughts to make the story as short as possible. “So, they ended up being Zoe and Connor’s parents.”

“Whaat?” Jared drawled, making a face. “Why were  _ they _ there?”

Evan took a long pause, unable if it was wrong to just bluntly say the news, or what else to do. “Connor tried... to kill himself.”

Jared raised an eyebrow, his jaw slack. “Seriously?”

“Dude, I wouldn’t lie!”

Jared lifted a shoulder. “I mean, out of the kids in our grade…” The comment was quiet, definitely intended to be under the breath. Evan froze, closing his eyes.  _ Yeah, out of the kids in our grade _ . “What would that have to do with you?”

Evan leaned his head against the window, watching everything pass by. “Um, Connor might have ended up with one of those letters I have to write to myself, and they might have, um, mistaken it for a-a suicide note.”

Jared laughed, the kind of laughter you’d have when someone made an unexpected win, or does something stupid. Evan shrank in his seat. “So what did you tell them?”

“I told them that we were friends.” Evan rubbed his fingers along the fabric of his pants, it calming him down a little, when he noticed they’d been stopped at a stop sign for a few moments too long. He picked up his head to see Jared’s jaw dropped, the expression on his face holding disbelief and judgement. Evan shifted. “What?”

“You told them you were  _ friends  _ with Connor Murphy?” 

“I, um, yeah, I d-did, I didn’t know what else to do, I mean, I didn’t know how else to explain the letter, and, and, their son had just tried to c-commit-” Evan swallowed. “-commit suicide, so they were obviously hopeful, he, um, had a friend-”

“Evan, that kid is an asshole!” Jared put the car in park as he pulled over outside of Evan’s house. “And you said you were friends with him!”

Evan crossed his arms, giving Jared a sour look. “Yeah, well,  _ you’re _ kind of asshole, but I’m friends with  _ you _ .” He immediately regretted it when Jared stiffened. He shouldn’t have had to, because it was kind of true- but the way Jared looked in that moment ate at his chest. 

“You know what I mean,” Jared snipped. He shook his head. “Look, Hansen, you’ve gotta tell them the truth. They’re probably going to mention it to him. They’re going to expect you to come over a lot, or that he’s supposed to come to your house. What are you going to do then?”

“I don’t know!” A hand flew to Evan’s forehead as he stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I have to have dinner with them when Connor gets out, and I already have to talk to  _ Zoe _ tomorrow to get the hospital information, so I’ll probably screw that up, too!”  _ That’s all you ever do, screw things up. _

“What do you mean, hospital information?” It was obvious Jared was just as exasperated over this as Evan was.

“I said I would go visit Connor.”

“Ohh my  _ God _ ,” Jared shook his head, looking in front of him. “What are you getting yourself into?”

“I was, I was hoping maybe y-you’d be willing to go with me so I didn’t have to alone?”

Jared paused for a moment, almost like he was entertaining the idea, before laughing sarcastically. “This is something you got yourself into, dude, I don’t wanna get pulled in, too.”

Evan drew in a shaky breath, exhaling slowly. “Okay, whatever.” He grabbed the strap of his bag and started to open the door. “I-I’ll, I’ll figure it out myself, I’m sorry that I bothered you. I’m really sorry.”

Jared scoffed. “Evan, come on-”

“Th-thanks for the ride, Jared.” Evan shut the door, walking as quick as he could to the door, leaning against the inside of it when he was finally inside. He yelled.

After a few moments, he reminded himself to breathe, taking deep breaths in and out and counting them as he walked to his bedroom. He dropped his bag, not really caring about anything in it, and shut his door. Walking to his dresser, he picked up his bottle of anxiety medication, popping off the lid. Evan thought about Connor.

He took one pill before throwing himself on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest.

* * * * *

Evan woke up the next morning with a throbbing head and in the clothes he’d gone to school the previous day in. He groaned and burrowed deeper into a pillow, not wanting to will himself to get up. After briefly falling back asleep, though, his alarm started blaring, a reminder that he couldn’t run away from everyday life forever. He laid still for a moment, wondering if he could just block out the sound, but reluctantly reached to turn it off, not wanting his mom to wake up and having to come get him. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of his bed and stretching. 

The shower water was hot on Evan’s clammy skin, maybe a little too hot, but he just stood under the spray, face tilted down as the water splashed on his head. He sighed, remembering he had to finish getting ready, and reached for the shampoo bottle, lathering up his hair.

Sometimes, on days like this, Evan found very little motivation to do anything, even the little things like showering or eating, his only reasoning being  _ but what’s the point _ ? And then he’d remember that it was something he’d have to do, and he’d just make himself do it. But because of that, when he was done, he almost expected there to be a little sign hanging there that would say something like, ‘Congratulations! You showered, you are now look like a normal human being.’ or ‘Congratulations! You aren’t going to starve yourself today.’ 

_ Congratulations, you’re just a little less fucked up than before _ .

But it was only certain days where he felt like that, not everyday, so he deemed it not a problem. Not an important one, anyway, not something anyone needed to worry about. Not something he needed to be worried for over.

The mirror was fogged, a blurry reflection staring back at him. Hair messy, skin reddish, red dots from where tiny blood vessels had popped from the hot water dotting his chest. He thought back to the events of the day before, regretting the lies. He knew Jared was right, that he needed to tell the truth, but Connor’s parents had just seemed so hopeful when he’d said that Connor had a friend. And, maybe, Evan liked it a little bit, because it made him feel like he had a real friend.

At school, Evan was extra prone to flinching and fidgeting- something Jared pointed out, prompting him to tell Evan to “chill the hell out” (which spiked a tiny debate, because why would you say it like that if hell is supposed to be hot?)- but it was mostly because Evan didn’t know where or when Zoe was going to come find him. It was like a weird game of hide and seek, except that Evan kind of wished Zoe wouldn’t find him.

It was right before lunch, which made sense, because that was the easiest place to find anybody. Evan never ate in the cafeteria, though- too many people making too much noise- but she’d managed to come find him at his locker, just as he shut the door and was ready to head to the library.

“Hey, Evan.”

“O-oh, hi, Zoe,” Evan mumbled as she approached him. He was surprised, because unlike her parents, there seemed to be nothing unusual about her. He tried to smile, not wanting to say much in fear of rambling and making a fool of himself like last time.

“This is for you,” she said, reaching into her bag and pulling out a small square of paper. “My mom wrote how to get to the hospital he’s at, and the room and everything.”

Evan took the note from her, fiddling with it in his hands. “Thanks.” He fought to try to just look at her in the eye like a normal person, but shied away, taking a step back, looking at his shoes. “H-have you gone much to see him?”

“A few times.” Zoe nodded, pushing her hair over her shoulder. “Twice when he was still unconscious, but I’ve only gone once since he’s woken up.”

Evan peered up at her. “O-oh?”

“Yeah.” She sighed, kicking her foot against the base of a locker. “We haven’t ever really been close. To be honest, I’m not as upset as my parents.” She gave a nervous laugh and held up a hand. “Like, that’s not to say I’m glad that Connor’s okay- I seriously am, it’s just…” She shook her head. “I don’t know, something I would have to say at a different time.”

“N-no, that’s fine, you don’t have to tell me at all because I respect your privacy and, like, I don’t want to but into your relationship with Connor or your family or anything-” Evan forced his mouth shut, managing a weak smile. “S-so, um, yeah, it’s fine, I understand.” He dug his thumbnail into his palm. He was thankful he didn’t go into a full-on freak ramble, but he was also curious of what Zoe meant, and how she could admit to something so nonchalantly.

Zoe smiled at him, sending that butterfly feeling through his stomach. “Thank you for understanding. Are you headed to the cafeteria right now?” She made a pointing gesture in the general direction of the stairwell. “I’ll walk with you if you want.”

Evan wanted to laugh- Zoe and him walking down the hallway? “No, I-I, um, I’m not scheduled for lunch this module. I have a, um, weird schedule.” He bit his lip, not really wanting to lie, but not wanting to admit that he was so lonely and scared that he didn’t ever go into the cafeteria. 

Zoe made a face, and Evan worried she might know that he was lying, because it was pretty rare for someone in the grade to not have the same lunch mod. “Oh, okay.” She adjusted her bag on her shoulder and smiled, holding up a hand. “Alright, well, I guess I’ll catch you around, Evan.”

“Y-yeah,” Evan waved. “See you, Zoe.” He turned and started in the opposite direction towards the library, walking fast.

The library was the one place in school Evan didn’t really mind to be- it had enough secluded places that nobody ever really walked by his usual spot, and if they did, they’d be gone after a minute or two of looking for a book. He stopped at the main desk near the entrance, signing in, his name scrawled in messy letters, always one of the first entries of the day. The librarian looked up from organizing a box of cards for a brief moment. “Good afternoon, Mr. Hansen.” Evan gave a small wave in return, not sure if they’d even saw based on how quick they went back to the task at hand.

The table he liked was situated in the far back left, tucked in between bookcases and the wall, with a window right near it. There was a computer hooked up in one spot, but the rest was clear area, so he had enough room for anything he decided to use the time for. Normally, it was just finishing school assignments. Part of him liked the fact that he needed to go to the library, because he could finish any due homework he’d forgotten about, and didn’t have to do as much work when he got home. But, then again, he didn’t have much else to spend the time on when he was at home.

Evan took out the folded paper Zoe had given him, opening it, and carefully reading the handwriting. It was very neat, precise cursive, and it made sense to him that Mrs. Murphy would have been the one who wrote it. He opened Google Maps on the computer, typing in his address and then the hospital, and wrote down the directions the best he could on the scrap of paper. He had enough room, so it was better than printing and wasting another sheet or two. After, he shut the computer back off, pushing it back slightly so he could lay his head down on the desk. He didn’t know if he should go later that day, or the next- he figured that the Murphy’s might expect him to go the day that he got the information, so they might end up being there when he was, and he needed a chance to explain to Connor about what he’d said. But, then again, it was Connor’s parents, and they might be there everyday. He sighed, tapping his head lightly on the wood. Maybe he’d go tomorrow- he could always say his mom needed him for something, or that he had an appointment or after school meeting or  _ something _ . That didn’t make him feel any better, though- it’d just be another lie right on top of everything else he’d already said.

* * * * *

Evan sat in his car, alone and anxious. The hospital was big, and intimidating, and could only remind him about his own “accident”. His hand crept over his cast, squeezing lightly, although he couldn’t apply much pressure to it. It’d been about three weeks, maybe a little more than that.

Even if he hadn’t ever had to go to get his cast, Evan still had always had a fear of hospitals. Not just from the fact that there were tons of sick people staying there- there was something else, something deeper about how hospitals  _ felt _ when you walked through their halls. 

He took a deep breath, wondering if this was something he really had to do, but knew that not only were the Murphy’s expecting him to do so, but it probably was the right thing to do. Even if they’d mentioned to Connor that they met Evan, Evan felt bad, and while it might have been only because of retrospect, Evan  _ did _ care, and he knew how Connor might’ve felt. That might have been something that would help Connor.

Evan exited his car, locking it before heading into the hospital following the instructions Mrs. Murphy had given him. It was easy to find the room, though Evan felt completely on edge, struggling a little to breathe the right way. When he found where he needed to go, the door had been left ajar, and the Murphy’s  _ were _ in, like he thought they might. He panicked, his first instinct to just turn and run, but fought that down. He carefully knocked on the door and pushed it open lightly, holding his breath. Mr. Murphy was talking to Connor about something, and whatever it was, neither of them seemed to be very happy. Zoe sat in a chair closer to Connor’s bed, completely zoned out, and Mrs. Murphy was near the door. He’d heard her start to ask the two to quit before the door creaked, announcing his arrival.

“Oh, Evan,” Mrs. Murphy stood and smiled at him. “How are you?”

“Um,” Evan tried hard to make eye contact with her. “I’m fine, I guess. Are you doing okay?” He nervously glanced at the others in the room- Mr. Murphy and Zoe were looking at him, but Connor was not. 

“We’re managing,” Mr. Murphy chimed in, taking a step away from Connor’s bed. He gestured to Zoe, who stood, her arms crossed. “We thought you might want a moment alone with Connor?”

Evan’s heart nearly stopped, panicking that they might have found out he was lying. “Y-yeah, that’s, um, that’d be nice.”

Mrs. Murphy smiled and nodded and held the door open for the rest of her family, muttering something to her husband as he walked through. Then the door shut, and Evan was alone with Connor.

For a minute, neither of them spoke, and it seemed to go on forever before Evan finally said something. “Connor, I-”

“You told my parents we’re friends. Which we aren’t.” Connor finally made eye contact with Evan. He had dark circles under his eyes, his long hair in a tangled mess. 

Evan cringed, not moving any closer. “I-I… D-do they know that?”

“No,” Connor said, his voice absent of any tone. “I mean, after they mentioned the ‘boy from the letter’ I realized they were going to say they talked to you. Didn’t expect they’d tell me they lied to you, but it’s whatever.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan spat out. “I’m so sorry and I don’t know why I did it, and I know I shouldn’t have so I’m sorry, Connor, I really am…”

“Ohh my god,” Connor groaned, tilting his head up. “Okay, like, chill out, would you?” Evan bit his lip and apologized again, only to get a dirty look from Connor.

“So, like, are they really mad at me, or…?”

“What?” Connor picked up his head. “No, I didn’t tell them that it was a lie.”

Evan frowned. “You… so what did you say to them, then?”

“Not much, really. I said it was nice that they got to meet you.” Connor shrugged, picking at where an IV must have been in his arm. 

Evan pressed his palm into his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. He blinked fast, dragging a chair over to sit in before he got lightheaded. “I’m s-sorry, but I don’t think I understand what’s going on right now…”

Connor smirked. “Yeah. Well, okay-” Connor sat up a little bit, turning his torso to more or less face Evan. “I can’t say I hate my parents. Like, do you know what I mean? We never get along, we never have, and my whole family is constantly at each other’s throats- but like, I still love them, you know? And I know that one of the biggest parts of me being a disappointment-”

“Y-you aren’t, you’re not a disappointment, Connor,” Evan butt in, hoping to help reassure him, but Connor just rolled his eyes.

“One of the biggest reasons I’m a disappointment is because I have no friends, I’m pretty sure. So, like, when they told me all you said, I kept my mouth shut, because for the first time in a long time, they actually seemed to be  _ happy _ with me. And, like, I guess that felt good?” Connor sighed and reached up to mess with his hand. “Like, I know it’s all bullshit, but-”

“No, I understand,” Evan blurted out. “I know how you feel. I think that’s, um, maybe part of the reason I couldn’t tell them the truth.” He swallowed, feeling a bit like he was going to throw up from how nervous he was. It was weird to see Connor like this- it was almost how he usually was, just not quite there, like something had happened- well, something  _ had _ happened. 

“So, I don’t know what your-” Connor waved a hand dismissively. “Your deal is, with all this apologizing and shit, but, like, if we’re going to fake being friends, can you not?”

“F-fake being friends?” Evan sunk a little in his chair, shoulders hunched, feet crossed at the ankle. 

“Yeah. I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid. God only knows I’ve never had a bright fucking idea in my life.” Connor leaned back, his head hitting against the wall. “And, like, don’t get the wrong idea, I guess.”

Evan frowned, biting down a surge of insecurity. “I, um…” But would it be a good thing? He did have Jared, sure, but it would definitely make  _ his _ mom happy too, if she thought Evan was becoming more social. The only thing was how incompatible he and Connor were, but if it made him look or even maybe feel a bit more normal, where was the harm? “No, I guess that’s a good idea.” 

“Great.” Connor gave a lazy smirk and tilted his head back, briefly closing his eyes. Evan couldn’t get over how  _ tired _ he looked. How exhausted. He knew it too well. A few moments passed, and both seemed to be content with shared silence.

“Um, do you want me to stay longer?” Evan’s voice was timid, although he was feeling a little more at ease since he’d gotten to the hospital.

“Oh.” Connor sat up, looking to Evan with a less-bored expression. “Do you… have somewhere to go?” Evan thought there was a little disappointment in his voice, but swore it had to be something else.

“Y-yeah, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say sorry,” Connor sighed as he went back to his same old, mildly agitated tone. “It’s fine, you can go if you need to.” He looked away as Evan stood, picking the chair up and returning it to where it was. “But, uh,” Connor’s voice stopped Evan as he started to open the door. “Thank you for coming today, at least. It’s… better to have someone other than my parents.” He laughed lightly, but wasn’t looking at Evan.

“Oh… It’s not a problem,” Evan replied, softened by Connor’s suddenly genuineness. “Did they tell you they invited me to come for dinner when you get home?”

“No?”

“Oh...well, um, they did, so I guess I’ll see you then.” Evan turned the knob and started to open the door. 

“Yeah, I’ll see you.”

* * * * *

“So, how was it?” Jared sank into his seat, pulling out his phone and responding to a text before looking up at Jared. “Was he as much of a complete prick as you expected?”

Evan hesitated, opting to not sit down. “Kind of, actually.” Jared snorted. “What?”

“You should have just told the truth, dude.”

“I- I just couldn’t, Jared, I don’t understand how you don’t-”

“Okay, first of all, stop pacing. It’s kind of freaking me out.” Evan stopped, not even noticing that he had been. Jared pushed up his glasses and crossed his legs. “Second, why  _ couldn’t _ you? I don’t see how it couldn’t have been that hard-”

“Because, Jared, because I can’t!” Evan held out his hands. “I couldn’t because I could tell how stressed and upset they were, that they had almost lost their son, and I could understand. I didn’t tell them because I could see how that would have made the situation. And I didn’t tell them because-” he stopped himself. He was started to breathe heavily- he was getting too worked up. Jared just looked at him, face a mixture of sad and surprised. Evan took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t tell them b-because it would have been… it would have been so embarrassing.” 

Jared folded his hands and looked downwards. “Okay, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine,” Evan numbly responded, though he didn’t think Jared really meant it.

“So is this whole thing over with then?” Jared shifted himself, barely looking at Evan.

“Not really,” Evan sighed. “It’s kind of a long story.” Jared looked as if he were about to say something, but Evan spoke again first. “I probably should get home, though. I just thought I would stop to tell you about it before I went.”

“Okay,” Jared said, standing. “Well, I’ll see you in school?”

“Yeah, you will.”

“Maybe we can hang out again this weekend, like last time.”

“Maybe,” Evan shoved his hands in his pocket and started for the door, “I don’t know if I’ll be busy, o-or if I’ll have to do anything with Connor…”

“With Connor?”

Evan shrugged. “Yeah.”

Jared made a dejected face. “Okay, well… I’ll just see you, then.”

Evan immediately felt bad, wishing he hadn’t mentioned it. “N-no, I’m sorry, we can hang out if you want to… I like hanging out with you so i-it’s fine if that’s what you want to do, then I’ll do it, we can hang out.”

“Don’t worry about it, Evan.” Jared grinned, but something felt off about it. “I’m sure I have  _ soomething _ else to do on my agenda.”

Evan looked downwards, pressing his lips together as he opened the door. “Y-yeah. I’ll see you.”

“Bye, Evan.”

* * * * *

It was 10:20 when Evan got home, much later than normal, so he wasn’t surprised that Heidi was nervously waiting for him in the living room. 

“Oh, Evan, there you are! I was a little worried…” Heidi grinned as she hugged her son. “Where were you?”

“I just got home from Jared’s house.” Evan set his bag down on a chair, giving his mom as real of a smile as he could manage. “Have you been waiting long?”

“Jared’s for that long? But, no, I’ve only been home for about ten minutes. Did you have a good day?”

Evan shrugged. “Yeah, it was fine. Just kind of long. I’m really tired.”

Heidi managed a laugh. “You and I both, kiddo.” Evan smiled a little. “Hey, this is random, but I heard about that Murphy kid… do you know him? And is he okay?”

Evan glanced away, rubbing his thumb against his fingers, wondering what he should say. “Yeah, I know him. Connor,” he finally spoke. “He’s doing okay. He’s not the best, but he’s, um, he’s recovering.” He blinked, hating himself for using the word Mr. Murphy had. “I actually saw him today. At the, um, the hospital.”

Heidi raised an eyebrow. “You went to the hospital yourself?” She knew how much Evan hated to be there. He nodded. “Well, I’m glad to hear that he’s going to be alright. I can’t imagine how his parents must feel about it all.” Evan flinched. “Well, I guess I’ll let you get on to bed, then.”

“Yeah. Goodnight, mom.” Evan headed in the direction of his room.

“Goodnight, honey. Love you.”

Evan’s chest got tight and he tried not to change his expression, even though he wasn’t even facing his mom. “Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, first of all, I just want to say a BIG THANK YOU for getting this fic 100+ kudos. It means a lot and I'm so glad people like it so far.  
> Second, I have no idea if the end of chapter comments from the first chapter keep showing up for everyone else, but they do for me, and I can't seem to fix it so sorry about that :/  
> Sorry if this chapter is a little slow! It's kind of just setting the stage for how their relationships with one another progress, I guess? I'm kind of unsure of how I'm writing Connor just because the version in the musical is mostly the Connor that Evan created, and I have a lot of development planned for him/all the characters, but I wasn't sure if I was pushing too much or not. But I hope you guys enjoyed! I read and try to respond to every comment because I appreciate you guys so much, and when I see that I have comments in my inbox, it literally makes my day <3 Much love!!!
> 
> Also-- random but, if anyone has Tumblr, you can follow me @boreavement if you want or message me!! I don't have any friends who like dear Evan Hansen so I'm kind of suffering, haha. <3


	5. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys I'm back from purgatory
> 
> Sorry this update took so long! I feel super bad, especially because it's kind of filler, but I hope to be better about updates from here on. I've been crazy with end of semester final projects/essays/etc and I'm thinking of changing my major so it's been a little crazy lmao. But anyway!! I hope this chapter isn't /too/ terrible and ily all

“What do you mean, we can’t go see him anymore?” 

Evan flinched, gripping his locker door, and turned his head to see Zoe. She’d come to his locker a few times since they talked about seeing Connor, and every time it seemed to catch Evan more and more off guard. The final bell had just let out, and students everywhere were being noisy, crowding the hallways- Evan hated the noise. Zoe held a phone to her ear, pressing a hand to the other to try to keep out noise. She rolled her eyes and made a bored face. “Okay, what do you mean,  _ I  _ can’t go see him?” Evan shifted weight from one foot to the other, carefully lifting his bag over his cast before clutching at the straps tightly, trying not to just stare at Zoe as she stood in front of him. A few moments of inaudible conversation happened on the other side before Zoe interrupted. “Okay, okay, I get it, bye.” She hung up after a quick second. “I’m sorry, that was my dad.”

“O-oh,” Evan mumbled, lacing his fingers together. “What’s- what’s up?”

“Well, I was going to ask if you wanted to go visit Connor today. But he was, uh, moved to the psych ward, and I guess they’re only going to let my parents come.”

“Psych ward?” Evan repeated. His stomach turned, brain picking apart what exactly that would be like, and why he wouldn’t have figured someone would have to do that if they tried to kill themself. It made him feel like he couldn’t breath.

“Yeah. Which I guess is good, because that means that he’s healthy enough after…” she gestured with her hand, tilting her chin down. “ _ You know _ . And, that means that he’s in the last step before he gets released.” She shrugged. “I don’t know how long it’ll take, though. Connor’s pretty broody and stubborn.”

“Yeah, I know,” Evan agreed as he looked down at the ground.  _ You don’t know that, idiot _ , Evan berated himself. “How, um, how are you doing through all of this?” Evan struggled to make conversation.

Zoe let loose a huge sigh, reaching up to fiddle with her hair. “It’s all definitely… a shock. Like, Connor hasn’t been a very good brother in a long time, but it’s making me think of everything good that’s happened. It’s kind of a wake-up call, I guess.” She started to walk towards the stairwell at a leisurely pace. “Mostly, I’m scared of how things will be when Connor gets home.”

“What.. What do you mean?” Evan’s shy voice struggled as he stayed a few feet behind Zoe.

“Well, my parents are definitely going to pay more attention to him, obviously, and he’ll start therapy. But I’m afraid that nothing’s gonna change between me and him, and that if it does, it wouldn’t really be an improvement in our relationship. It’d just be something fake that only happened because of all this.” She started down the stairs. “Something forced.”

“O-Oh. I see.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

Evan stops before putting his foot on the first step. “No.. It’s just me and my mom at home.” He sees Zoe nod her head from behind before she pauses so they’re next to each other, and something surges in the pit of his stomach. He felt sick, talking to Zoe Murphy like this, lying to her about Connor. “And she’s usually at work or school,” he mumbled. He’d thought about if he had a sibling at home before, that maybe he’d be less lonely, but that maybe they wouldn’t even like him anyway. “I don’t know, I kind of wish I had a sibling.” He leaned slightly away from Zoe when he noticed she was looking at him, pulling his hands to his stomach so that he wouldn’t accidentally brush against her. “I don’t know,” he repeated as they neared the exit. Zoe pushed open the door and held it for Evan. “Um, thanks,” he said to her, looking down at the sidewalk, starting to follow it as Zoe stepped off the curb. 

     “Oh- do you walk here?” Zoe asked, prompting Evan to turn to reluctantly face her. 

     He nodded, maybe a little too fast, he worried. “I mean- I can, I can drive, I’ve got a c-car, it’s just, I don’t have any money for gas right now, so I’ve been walking more often lately-” He pressed a palm against his stomach, picking at the cuticle on one of his fingers with the other.

     “Do you, like, want a ride or something? You could probably just hang out at my house if you didn’t want to be home alone, either. My parents would be home pretty soon, and I know they wouldn’t mind.”

     Evan blinked a few times and furrowed his brows before shaking his head, eyes closed. “No- no, you don’t have to do that, I would hate to, um, impose, I-”

    Zoe cocked her head to the side slightly, a confused expression drawn on her face. “No, you wouldn't be imposing. I just think it would suck to have to walk by yourself so much.” She thought for a moment, reaching up to part her hair over each of her shoulders. She made Evan so nervous. “And I mean, my parents invited you for when Connor comes home- to help him adjust, or whatever they said- but, like, they wouldn't mind. Maybe you guys could talk about him, it would probably make them feel better.”

     Evan sighed at Zoe’s considerateness, hooking his thumb into his pocket when he realized it’d started bleeding slightly. “I just- I-I’m used to it anyway, I-”

     “Dude, Evan, it’s really not a problem.” Evan exhaled through his nose, taking a deep breath before he took a step toward Zoe, who smiled before continuing to her car. It was small, clean, with practically no evidence of damage or rust or anything. Painted a deep red. Evan fidgeted in his seat as Zoe got in the driver’s side. He felt so guilty- it’s not like he wasn’t used to walking home, not like he couldn’t do it, and he was taking a ride from Zoe. He’d done it to Jared too, which he still felt bad about. He felt bad people were wasting their energy on him. 

      The first part of the ride was silent. Evan just looked out the window as they passed to a part of town that he never really went to. It wasn’t too far from where he lived, but they never had reason to go there, so Evan never did. It was mostly just where all restaurants and small stores were- all the cafes and things, places Evan didn’t have the extra money for. 

“So you’re a senior, yeah?” Zoe finally talked, probably figuring that Evan wouldn’t. 

He rested his chin on his hand. “Um, yeah, we- me and Connor, we’re uh, we’re in the same grade.” 

“Has he ever talked to you about college?” Zoe wore a somewhat hard, concentrated face, and it made Evan think that it was something they’d probably fought about before. Or, maybe Connor and his parents, and Zoe was just there, at least.

“He, uh, he-” Evan stuttered, unsure of what to do, digging his nails into his skin. “He, um, I mean, he’s mentioned it… maybe once or twice. But, um, he doesn’t. He never really said any definite plans of what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go.” When Zoe didn’t answer, he fidgeted, worried that Zoe could tell he was lying. He probably made up something completely inaccurate, it was probably so obvious from how he talked that he was lying, and Zoe would never talk to him again, and they would be mad that he lied about Connor, and he was  _ stupid _ , he was so  _ stupid, stupid _ . Desperate, he added, “W-why?”

“Oh, it’s just a hot topic in my house. I’ve told him before that he should do what he wants- which, I guess is probably pretty cheesy,” she talked with a breathy, sarcastic laugh at the last part. “But, he’ll always just grumble back a  _ whatever _ or that he doesn’t know what he wants to do or something. So I just wondered. But if he doesn’t even tell you, maybe he  _ doesn’t _ know.” Zoe flicked on the turning signal as they pulled into the Murphy’s driveway. “I pegged it as him being standoffish. You know?”

“Yeah,” Evan responded slowly, swallowing. “Yeah.” He pulled his bag into him as he reached for the door handle, letting himself out and stretching his legs after he shut the car door. He followed Zoe into the house silently, slipping his shoes off by the door, even though Zoe didn’t.

“Oh- you don’t have to,” Zoe said as she watched him from the doorway to the next room. He didn’t put them back on, though, because that would have been a weird thing to do, right?

Zoe put her keys down on a small wooden table near a dark leather recliner, sighing as she stood with her hands on her hips. “Do you want anything? Like, to drink, or-”

“No, no, I’m good, uh, yeah. I’m good. But thanks.” Evan cursed himself silently as Zoe gave him a smile.

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

Evan was left alone in the room- he would have just called it a living room, but a piece of framed embroidery hung on the wall near another door designated it as the sitting room, and Evan wasn’t even sure what that meant. It was sewn towards the bottom in cursive, the middle of the piece dominated by a large  _ Murphy’s  _ surrounded by little flowery designs. It was definitely something that Mrs. Murphy would have bought for the house.The rest of the room had other seemingly-expensive decorations- a sofa to match the recliner, standing lamps and clusters of family photos. The walls were a light beige with clean white trim, and the carpet felt soft under Evan’s feet. A bookshelf stood in one of the corners of the room. Evan walked to it, feeling like he didn’t even deserve to sit on any of the furniture. 

There were six shelves, the bottom two filled with what seemed like family albums, but Evan wouldn’t dare to look at any of those. The bottom had some historical biographies- presidents, a few about war- some worn copies of mid-20th century horror, an anthology of something Evan had never heard of, and a few books by Ray Bradbury. The next shelf up had much more contemporary names, mostly self-help and spiritual things, some of those cheesy-looking, indie romance books. He rolled his shoulders as his eyes grazed the next shelf up, realizing they were organized by each one of the Murphy’s.

The shelf that was assumably Connor’s was completely filled, which struck Evan as unexpected, just because Connor didn’t seem like the type to want to ever read. The copies were all worn, some dog-eared, and Evan picked up the book farthest to the left-  _ The Outsiders _ , Evan remembered being assigned to read it in junior high. He paused and the corner of his mouth went up as he flipped the front cover open, and, sure enough, there was the stamp marking as property of the school, with several past student’s names before  _ Connor Murphy  _ was written in shaky cursive. 

“...but yeah, no, everything’s okay other than that, I guess.” Evan looked towards the opposite side of the room, as Zoe came through the doorway, a phone cradled by her ear. She listened for a moment, her eyes flicking up to Evan as he put the book back in the spot he’d found it. “Yeah, he is here, actually.” Evan turned, folding his hands against his stomach and raising an eyebrow. “Yeah, sure, if you want to.” Zoe crossed the room and held her phone out to Evan. He froze, staring at it with a concerned expression. “It’s Connor,” Zoe clarified. “My parents called and then put him on. He asked for you.”

“He asked f-for me?” Evan stuttered, still not touching the phone. He hated talking on the phone- he always messed it up, you couldn’t tell what expressions the other person was making, and he was always afraid he’d be hung up on. There was just something about it that really made him nervous. Zoe’s phone was even more intimidating, big and touch screen. What if he accidentally pressed the speakerphone button, or mute, and couldn’t hear him talk, or ended the call-

“Yeah, here, he probably can’t be on for that much longer, and my parents are leaving soon, anyway,” Zoe pressed the phone into Evan’s hand and he gripped it, his hands sweating a little as he raised it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Heyy, Hansen,” Connor’s voice floated from the other end, sounding a mix between drowsy and irritated. “How’s it going?”

Evan bit his lip, eyes flicking to Zoe and wishing she wouldn’t be watching him talk. “I-I mean, I’m fine, I guess. Like, you know, it could be better, a-and like, I wish you were back at home, a-and…” He swallowed, pressing his other palm against the fabric of his shirt. “But, um, yeah. You know.” He watched Zoe leave again, and part of him was glad she wasn’t listening, but part of him hated to be in the room alone. Connor snickered lightly. “W-...what?”

“Nothing, you just sound nervous or something.”

Evan sighed, a bit exasperated. “You’d know, Connor.” There was a beat where Connor exhaled sharply through his nose, and Evan could imagine him shrugging with that smug look on his face he had sometimes. “Um… Why, uh, why did you ask to talk to me?”

There was a brief silence. “Well, Zoe mentioned she’d given you a ride, so I thought I’d just check up on you.” He cleared his throat. “You know, what friends do.” There was a sort of softness in Connor’s voice that Evan hadn’t expected that stirred up his insides.

“O-oh,” Evan managed. “Well...thank you.” He clutched at the fabric of his shirt. “What about you? Are you doing alright?” The latter part came more eagerly- even though he knew their friendship was fake, it still felt good that Connor had asked.

“Oh, you know,” Connor’s voiced dragged a bit sarcastically. “Doctors and nurses always bothering me, getting babied, rehabilitation. S’all great.”

Evan frowned. “It…. isn’t g-getting babied, Connor.” 

There was some muffled talking in the background as Evan heard a soft bang, like a door shutting. “Hey, Hansen,” Connor said after a moment. “Larry wants his phone back.” Mild scolding in the background and Connor snickering. “ _ My dad _ ,” he corrected himself in a very mocking, deadpan voice. “You’re coming when I get home, right?”

Evan bit at the inside of his lip, some weird mixture of confused and happy about how much Connor was playing the whole friendship, though he knew it was because he was with his parents. He was probably trying to make them feel better while he was still in the hospital. “Um, yeah. O-of course, if you want me.”

“Sweet,” Connor responded, level toned. “Okay, well, see you, Hansen. Eventually.”

“Yeah,” Evan muttered into the phone. “Eventually.” He waited until he heard the click of the call ending and turned to see that Zoe had come back. He held out her phone to her, happy to get rid of it.

“Thanks,” she responded, tucking it into her pocket. 

“Do you think you could take me home now?” Evan blurted. Immediately, cowering backwards, feeling the wood of the bookshelf against the back of his shoulder. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t- didn’t mean to sound rude. I just, feel really sick right now, um-” He tilted his chin down and closed his eyes for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh,” Zoe’s face quickly took on a look of concern. “No, it’s okay. I wouldn’t make you stay if you didn’t feel good. Is it from talking to him?”

Connor, she obviously meant Connor, and there was another twinge of guilt in Evan’s heart. “Uh, partly. Partly. I’ve kind of not been well all day,” he lied. Of course it was from that. Talking on the phone always made him feel sick, but the way that Connor talked to him-  _ like they really had been friends _ \- while it made him feel good in his mind for a minute, it made him awful everywhere else. 

“It’s okay. It was awful for me the first few times I talked to him too.” She offered him the kindest smile she could, and Evan was reminded of all the reasons he hadn’t ever and wouldn’t ever deserve Zoe Murphy. “Do you need ibuprofen or anything like that?”

“No, no, it’s okay, really.” He grabbed his bookbag from where he’d set it, near the doorway. He’d only been there about forty minutes, and felt bad, for not being there long and for leaving Zoe, but he really didn’t want to risk throwing up in the Murphy’s home. He’d only seen the outside and the two rooms, but he could only imagine how the rest of the house must have looked. Especially compared to his own. He sighed.

“Alright.” Zoe picked up her keys from where they were, following Evan to the front entrance as he put his shoes back on. “I’m sorry you don’t feel well.”

“N-no, don’t apologize,” Evan spoke quietly as he opened the door, turning from her. “It isn’t your fault.”

* * * * *

It wasn’t like getting to sleep was ever really hard for Evan, it was just staying asleep that was difficult. And that night was particularly trying- after the first few hours, Evan was tossing and turning, a burning feeling in his head and ache in his neck that just wouldn’t let go of him. He hadn’t eaten because of his stomach being upset, but he didn’t feel any better- though e figured it was his nerves bothering him, not the fact that he hadn’t eaten. Eventually, he just laid there, staring at the ceiling, his eyes feeling sore. He’d try texting Jared, who managed to be an even worse sleeper, but his phone service automatically turned off during the later hours- Heidi had said something about not wanting Evan to be up on electronics all night, but it wasn’t like his phone could handle any apps or anything, and who did he really have that he’d stay up all night talking to?

About an hour and a half passed before Evan got up, squinting to read his clock- one thirty in the morning. He stretched, hoping to alleviate some of the pain in his back, but he just managed to pull something funny and made it worse.

Evan knew it was all happening just because he lied- why did he, anyway? He had no reason to- he never really liked Connor, because he never really  _ knew _ Connor. Connor probably didn’t like him, and probably  _ really _ didn’t like him now that they were kind of stuck in a weird “friendship”. Which, still rubbed something the wrong way with Evan- maybe the way Connor had said it, or maybe because Evan might have actually wanted to be friends with Connor. It felt good for someone to speak to him in a friendly way, someone other than the therapist and his mom, someone using something other than Jared’s relentless sarcasm and teasing. And while most of the time, Connor did sound irritated, he sounded tired and like he didn’t care about anything, those little phrases that sounded genuinely kind made him feel good. It made his stomach feel all light and airy.  _ They made him feel good _ . It was a terrifying thing to think about, but Evan was almost excited to see Connor again, because maybe they could really be friends. But he couldn’t entertain that thought long before he remembered that  Connor was putting a show on for his parents. Just to make them… think. 

Regardless of anything, it was Evan’s fault, and he couldn’t sleep. He tried using the time to write a letter to himself, thinking it might help get his feelings out and maybe looking at words so early in the morning would make him tired, but he couldn’t passed the first three words. That dreadful heading- “Dear Evan Hansen”. It was the letters, that's what really caused it. That's what he blamed in that moment, anyway. If he didn't have to write the damn letters in the first place, it wouldn't have happened, no lie would have been told and none of it would have happened. If he'd just actually- 

He laid his hand flat against the paper as his head started to blame something else.

He balled up the piece of paper he was using and threw it in the trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry again about the month long wait aaaa but i hope you liked this chapter???? Better things to come i love ya'll
> 
> Also!!! credit to a post on tumblr started by @limpblotter about Connor's favorite books (because I wanted to start incorporating it bc yes) and I think it was @slaygoldponyboy that specifically mentioned The Outsiders. I'd read that in eighth grade and it's definitely a Connor (tm) book and I just like the idea that he maybe didn't like reading all that much as a young kid but when he got assigned that it got him into reading and he even just took the copy he used in class//

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fanfiction for Dear Evan Hansen and here on AO3. I'm nervous posting it, and I know this first chapter is short, but I really hope that it's good and that you like it! Kudos/comments are super appreciated!


End file.
